I got a call from a reporter from the Gold Coast Bulletin (Australia) last week for my view on the proposal to let dogs dine with their owners in Australian cafes.

Here’s what I had to say:

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With so many dog fanatics being misanthropes (haters of mankind), why do they love “man’s best friend”? Does it make sense to admire someone who is best friends with whom you hate? “The friend of my enemy is my friend” sure doesn’t make sense to ME. Misanthropic dog lovers should, in theory, DISLIKE an animal which toadies up to humanity.

Another irony: dog lovers constantly rave about how dogs are nonjudgmental, forgiving, loyal, and all that, while in the same breath slam humanity for being self-serving meanies. Well if we’re so rotten, why do dogs like us so much? I guess dogs are pretty darned stupid for wanting to lick our boots. Dogs like us for who we are, but most of their owners certainly don’t.

Of course, we in the know here at whyihatedogs realize what’s behind the dog’s “devotion”. Food. And modified pack instincts funnled via domestication and training. And neutering. And being leashed, fenced, kept indoors, or otherwise restrained to prevent the animal from oh, wandering off to cavort with it’s own kind, perhaps? Nabbed as 8 week old puppies and forced into close proximity with an alien species (us) who provides its only source of food and water, hardwired by selective breeding, and help captive by various obstacles, dogs have a serious case of Stockholm Syndrome. Apparently the irony of all this is lost on dog fans, who insist dogs love mankind unconditionally, even if the owners themselves hate us.

One of the things that infuriates me about dogs is how much they are loved by others. There are a few other animals I loath, black widow spiders, for one, but have no inclination to seek “I hate black widow spider” sites. It’s the mindless ignorant fawning over dogs by their fans that adds fuel to my dog hate fire. “Yes, four legs are better than two.” “Anyone who really wants to live the good life these days has to grow a tail.” “My favorite child has four legs and fur”. “We can learn a lot from dogs”. “Dogs are smarter than most people.” “Dogs are angels sent from Heaven.” “Dogs give uncondtional love”. I just want to scream at these fools, “How can you read all that stuff into a butt-snffing, turd-eating, walnut brained, clueless, amoral, biting, barking, instinct driven pack animal, you self-flattering, delusional dog cultist??!

As I calm down, another approach might be better. A bluff call. If these people admire dogs so damn much, if they are envious of its wagging tail, its live for the moment mentality, its furry body, its “forgiving” and “loyal” nature, would they want to BE a dog? Would they want to sprout a tail, walk on all fours, have their cranium shrink, their tongue loll, their expression become dorky and glazed, their muzzle slobbering over anyone who balances a biscuit on their nose? Would they enjoy being neutered, leashed, goo-talked, and groped by every stranger that sees them? Would they like to stick their nose into every butt they encounter, and pee and poop in public? Would dying of old age at around 14 appeal to them? What about being illiterate and speechless? Next time a dog lover raves about dogs, ask them if they would like to become one. They can convert to Hinduism and pray they get reincarnated as a dog.

Ok, so it’s true that dogs never blare the stereo, borrow money, steal cars, demand the latest fashions, or require college tuition. But two can play this illogical game. More things dogs never do:

* Dogs never cry at funerals
* Never repair cars
* Never design cars
* Never buy cars
* Never pay taxes
* Never vote
* Never dress themselves
* Never make dinner
* Never pass college entrance exams
* Never realize when they’ve been neutered
* Never pick up their poop (except when eating it)
* Never create music
* Never create art
* Never create ANYTHING
* Never win Nobel Prizes
* Never read
* Never write thank you notes
* Never donate to charity
* Never recognize their reflection in a mirror
* Never realize they are owned
* Never ponder the meaning of life
* Never innovate
* Never hire people
* Never write checks
* Never pray
* Never laugh at your jokes.

Automobile company Subaru is running a TV commerical promoting not only its cars, but also five different charities. One of the charities is animal related, and one of the actors in the ad is wearing a T-shirt which states “Dogs are people too”. For a major company to be endorsing this level of delusion, well it’s beyond the pale. Dogs are people too? Really? Do dogs buy Subarus? Do dogs donate to charities? Do dogs read or write or vote or invest or pay taxes or make any decisions whatsoever which affect the direction of a society? Have dogs created civilizations? Honestly, how high on dog farts does a person (or company) have to be in order to confuse dogs with human beings? A Google search of the phrase “dogs are people too” turns up delusions galore. Using this “logic”, are oranges apples too? Are giraffes lemmings too? Are pigeons gorillas too? Of all the stupid things that froth from the mouths of dog worshipers, “dogs are people too” is the most insane. These fools can’t seem to make up their mind. Sometimes they claim dogs are better than people, other times they say dogs ARE people. Never do they say dogs are less than people. Never.

“Boo”, dubbed the world’s cutest dog, has its own book, a waste of trees consisting of full page photos showing the dorky looking dog, a mutated pomeranian with bear-like ears, posing in sappy scenes. It’s hard not to notice the glut of dog photo books, dog care books and dog memoirs. The memoirs have become a publishing fad, with every Tom Dick and Harry thinking their dog is the bestest dog in the whole wide world, warranting a full blown tribute tome.

Ever since the mega-lame Marley and Me became a best
seller, dog books have been breeding out of control. Most of them feature a big photo of the dog’s head on the cover, with the name of the animal in the title, paired with a barf-inducing subtitle crediting the dog with teaching the author how to love, live, be a parent, deal with depression, or even ponder the universe itself. The authors learn all this from watching their mutt sniff rears, chew up sticks, and scarf down turds? At least two authors apparently learned the Meaning of Life from walking their dog, while several women authors describe their near-romantic relationships with dogs, prefering in theory to marry or date their dog rather than men. I’ve read quite a few dog memoirs, just for the barf-factor, and enjoy skipping to the end for the best part: when the dog dies. Rescuing Sprite, Walking Ollie, Merle’s Door, Huck, Wally, George….all blend together into a nauseating mix of dog worship crap, all spouting the same nonsense about dogs “being there for you”, “loving unconditionally”, “serving as a substitute child”, “more spiritually aware than humans”, blah blah blah.

And then there are the dog care books. Dozens of new ones published every week it seems. How much more can be written about housebreaking a puppy, or feeding old dogs?

However,there is a dog book that needs to be written. One that is anti-dog. The Truth About Dogs is as close as the idea gets, but the author claims to love dogs, so obviously the book doesn’t go far enough. No, it must be so thoroughly dog hating in tone, it will leave no doubt about why these coddled neurotic wolves don’t belong in society, let alone pampered and worshiped.

It doesn’t take dogs long to become feral. Those strong enough to survive without owners quickly revert to default mode, roaming in packs, scavenging, and breeding. In the six months since the March 11 2011 earthquake and tsunami in Japan, hundreds of former pet dogs are running loose in the no-entry zone around Fukushima, producing litters that are
even more feral than the original dogs. Officials worry the dogs will spread diseases to people. It just goes to show how artificial a pet dog is, especially a purebred. There are around 400 dog breeds in the world, every one of them maintained by selective breeding. These breeds would vanish after a single litter if left to their own devices. After several generations, there would be no recognizable dog breeds at all, the mutts would resemble typical “village dogs”: curs with yellowish fur and a black muzzle, or splotchy colored short-legged dogs. If left alone long enough, evolution turns them homogenous, such as the dingos in Australia. The dingo is certainly not the sort of dog most people would want to dress in sailor outfits or pamper with facials and gourmet cakes.

Some feral dogs are aggressive, forming menacing packs, while others are benign scavengers, with garbage dumps as their “natural habitat”. If all dogs were “default dogs” or “village dogs” it’s doubtful they’d be popular pets, let alone regarded as fur-kids worthy of expensive medical care and such. yet these canines are much more of a REAL dog than say, a golden retriever is. When most people think of a “dog”, they think of a Platonic image, a popular purebred (or first generation mixed breed) fetching the paper and sleeping by the hearth. But this is a facade.

While many people are besotted fools for dogs, wildlife and other animals aren’t so easily duped. Dogs are routinely sprayed by skunks, stabbed by porcupines, bitten by rattlesnakes, squeezed by pythons, stomped by moose, pummeled by deer, carried off by eagles, attacked by raccoons, stung by bees, swatted by cats, kicked by horses, butted by goats, gored by wild boar, hissed at by swans, and eaten by alligators and catfish.

Yes, catfish! Giant catfish will scarf down small
dogs. The clueless owner throws a stick into a murky river, their small dog cluelessly swims in after it, and suddenly a huge gaping mouth emerges, and the dog is gone, along with the stick. I read about this hilarious scenario in Ideas and Discoveries, a science magazine. I know as a personal fact about a dog that was carried off by a bird of prey. This is no urban legend: A familty friend was walking her tiny chihuahua in the front yard when a large bird, (eagle or hawk) swooped down and carried it off.

Coyotes will kill dogs of all sizes. One memorable instance involved a dog running off leash ahead of its owner. The dog was equipped with a GPS device attached to the collar, so the owner could keep tabs on it. The whippet-type breed ran out of sight, but no worries, not with the GPS! When the owner caught up to her dog, several coyotes were hunched over its body. Hey, at least the GPS still worked!

Dog lovers are obsessed with various dog body parts, namely the tail, paws, and nose. Boy do they rave about that nose; no dog book is complete without bowing down at the altar of the canine nose. A dog’s sense of smell is anywhere from 50 to 100,000 times more acute than ours, depending on which expert is consulted. I say, “So what?”

Moths and sharks have a better sense of smell than do dogs; in fact, most of a shark’s brain is devoted to the olfactory center. Sharks are efficient hunters, but not very bright. If a lot of brain space is devoted to sniffing, this doesn’t leave much room for thinking. A dog brain weighs about 3 1/2 ounces, a goodly portion of which is taken over by the olfactory center.

Left to their own devices, what do dogs do with their “better than human” sense of smell? They sniff out urine, poop, garbage, and butts. Only when mankind intervenes is the nose put to useful purposes. These purposes, drug detection, cadaver searches, etc. are mythologized by dog lovers, as if the dog is a super hero with special powers. In reality, the dogs can’t fathom why in the world they are sniffing around airports or rubble piles; to them it’s all just mindless sniffing for the handler’s reward of a treat or chew toy. Nor is the dog nose infallible; cadaver dogs mistake rotting tree stumps for decaying bodies. Certain sniffer dog evidence has been thrown out of court because the claims made about its abilities were just too outlandish.

A dog nose is cold, wet, and bear-like; pretty gross in my opinion. Yet dog fans think it’s cute. They will pay for a 24k gold impression of their dog’s nose print to wear it as jewelry!

A dog’s nose is basically overrated. The vast majority of dog noses aren’t out there looking for missing people or bombs, but rather sticking it in someone’s crotch.

The National Enquirer has an article about a haven for stray dogs in a small town in Brazil. These dogs are disgusting curs, as ugly as you can imagine, and the sanctuary they now inhabit is an eye sore, with swayback village dogs barking from within numerous shoddy dog houses. The roughly 2,000 dogs consume 14 tons of dog food a month, and $14,000 in donation funds, including money from the goverment! I cannot think of a bigger waste of resources than this.