Apps to annoy dogs

Dogs annoy us, so why not annoy them? If you have an iPhone or other app-able mobile device, numerous sound files are available for download, many of which are free, and capable of bugging dogs:

* High Frequency– High-pitched tones and whistles to distract dogs.

* Thunder– Dogs are commonly freaked out by rumbling thunder and thunder claps. Crank up the volume and scare the heck out of an unsuspecting slobber-bag!

* Werewolf sound effects– wolf howls and growls as well as movie-type werewolf attack noises. Use to startle dogs (as well as their owners). Play after dark along a quiet neighborhood street!

* Canine barking and snarls– Intimidate dogs with recordings of their own menacing foes. Vicious guard dog barks and throaty growls ought to alarm coddled frou frou dogs.

* Doorbell chimes, ringing phone, squeak toy, etc.– Stimulus overload. Make fools out of stimulus response-addicted neurotic mutts!

* Police and ambulance sirens– Contrary to popular belief, vehicle sirens don’t hurt dog’s ears, but rather tricks dogs into joining in on a howling jag. Another “fool the dog” sound.

* Air horn– Blast a yapping dog with a noise that is louder than its bark!

* Roars of bears, mountain lions, and other wildlife– The threating vocalizations of large predatory animals will frighten dogs into silence. King of the jungle Fido is not.

* Various irritating screeches– Too annoying to describe!

Tips

* Make dogs look bad by playing barking noises in the hallway of a pet-friendly hotel or apartment at ungodly hours.

* Use a portable speaker to amplify the sounds. I use an inexpensive ($6 -$10) “Bomb” keychain speaker. It’s more effective inside than outdoors, but I’m going to try to duct-tape a funnel or horn attachment to it for magnifiication.

* Two good free apps are “Werewolf Sounds” and “Dog Sounds”.

Excuses excuses

* At San Francisco’s once dignified Crissy Field (which now unfortunately contains a dog park) an off-leash pit bull attacks and bites an on-duty mounted park patrol horse, giving chase for over a mile and a half. The pit’s owner, his lawyer, and pit bull fanatics blame….the horse.

* A pair of Presa Canario dogs race down a hallway and lunge at Diane Whipple, savagely killing her by ripping out her windpipe. The owners blame…. her perfume. Or maybe she was having her period, they speculated. Oh, and she should have managed to get away from the dogs faster.

* A mastiff-ridgeback mix, awoken by the presence of a one year old boy, grabs the tot by the head and mauls him to death. The boy’s father, at first livid and calling for the dog’s destruction, changes his mind after a radical dog advocate group, The Lexus Project, apparently convinces him that the fault lies with……the one year old boy.

Are you mad yet? If so, here’s the e-mail address of one of these dog kooks, the owner of the horse-biting pit bull: Dvdgzzrll@msn.com

There are many many more incidents just like these. Some are minor, such as a dog owner blaming their dog’s nasty growling behavior on the recipient’s clothing. Or facial hair. Or the “threatening” purse or umbrella they are carrying. To these twisted dog cultists, dogs can do no wrong. EVER. There is no such thing as an unprovoked attack. Something MUST have given the dog a perfect, logical, totally understandable reason to attack, maul, snarl, lunge, or even to just bark its fool head off all day. Such idiocy should not be tolerated.